Dust Jackets

I've been off the blog scene for a while and I apologize. To be honest I've been mulling over whether or not I would blog about what you're about to read. Obviously I've decided to do it so here goes...

I do not buy books, am not a buyer of books or a fan of buying books... but I do like receiving books. Why spend money on a book when you can borrow it from the library right? However, my Mom bought me the Twilight boxed set for my birthday this year - well, if you wanto get technical I bought it and she sent me a check but I digress. So even when I borrow a book from the library the first thing I do before I read it is take the dust jacket off (if you can cause most times they have them secured onto those books with superglue). When I am lucky enough to have a book lent to me by a friend I always take off the dust jacket while reading - actually, not to anyone who might possibly lend me a book in the future, I would prefer it if you kept your dust jacket at home and just gave me the book! Dust jackets are the skin of a book - they hide the imperfections, take on the scratches and scrapes and protect what's most important on the inside.

You've heard the saying "Never judge a book by it's cover." right? Well, that's kind of my underlying message here. Every book has a bad chapter or two. Yes ladies, there is even a part in Eclipse that I usually skip over (that's the third book in the Twilight series in case you don't know). Well, my personal book of life is no different - there are definitely a few bad chapers. My dust jacket is pretty scratched up but it does a really good job of hiding my imperfections.

There are very few people in my life I show weakness too. I will readily admit I'm a sympathetic cryer but that's the dust jacket... and it's what's inside the dust jacket that really matters. I know how I come across to people. Outgoing, energetic, smiley, in charge, organized, not shy, confident... you get the idea. In truth I have even been called Super Mom a few times. I am the Chair of School Community Council, I work from home transcribing, I sell Norwex, I delivery flyers three times a week, I do monthly newsletters for a Mary Kay director, I'm on the MOM's Ministry team at Church and I'm a stay at home Mom. Up until about a month ago I was also the secretary of our Community Association. Everyone always says they don't know how I do it and how amazing I am. I'm not trying to brag myself up here (although that does sound pretty good when I re-read it) but I just want to give you an idea of what my dust jacket hides.

Chapter 25. May 23, 2000. Sydney was born. We lived in Winnipeg. I had no family or friends there. After she was born was a huge up... and it was also a huge down. It wasn't until after Chapter 27 that I realized I had Post Partum Depression.

Chapter 27. April 2002. We moved back to Saskatoon. Thank God - literally, because I was slowly dying in Winnipeg. July 25, 2002. Megan was born. 3 months later I was sitting on the couch feeding her her bottle and my eyes scanned her body from head to toe and I realized I didn't know when she got that big - I missed it. It was as if I had blinked and three months had passed when I opened my eyes. I went to my Doctor and broke down in his office. I had Post Partum Depression. I started taking anti-depressants and for the first time in my life I felt like I couldn't talk to my Mom about something. My Mom is a very black and white person. Everything is a choice. If you sad - suck it up and smile. If you're addicted to pain killers it's your choice, all you have to do is stop taking them.

Chapter 28. At some point around the end of Chapter 27 and the start of Chapter 28 I began to realize that there was nothing to be ashamed of. I told my Mom. And she did just what a Mom is supposed to do - she supported me and told me she loved me and was happy I recognised when I needed help.

Chapters 29-31. Lots of ups and downs. I did go off my meds by choice and was doing pretty good. I always have to work really hard at keeping a positive frame of mind.

Chapter 31. February 2, 2007. Jeremy was born. In March I went to my Doctor and asked him for anti-depressants again.

Chapter 34. Summer 2009. I am noticing my anger getting out of control. I am not a weepy, sadly pathetic depressed person. I am mean. I yell at my kids and husband... a lot. November 2009. On our way home from Church one Sunday and I went nuclear. Megan didn't like the way her car seat felt on her bum and wouldn't stop crying/whining. I screamed "Shut Up!" at her three times and if she didn't "Shut up I was going to literally beat her when we got home I am so mad." It was as if I was standing outside the van window watching myself say these things. Ryan sat quietly in the passenger seat. Sydney kept her mouth shut and I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw Jeremy just staring at me.

I know what I have is not just Post Partum Depression. I have Depression. Period. And the reason I decided to blog about this is I'm tired of keeping my dust jacket on all the time. The first thing I do when I read a book is take it off so why should I keep mine on all the time? Let me state a few things though. I do enjoy life - I have never come anywhere close to wanting to hurt myself or my children. I am by nature a very outgoing person and I am also very self conscious of myself. When I'm talking in front of a group my stomach is in knots and I feel like I'm gonna throw up a lot. Part of me thinks that when I take off the dust jacket people's perceptions of me might change but you know what? They should. I am NOT Super Mom and I can't do it all. I cry, I yell at my kids, my house is messy and there are lots of times I just go into my bedroom, shut the door and listen to my iPod - messy house or no messy house. Rule #1 - you gotta take care of yourself in order to take care of your family. I am not good to anyone, not even myself, if I don't take care of the pages in my book.

I know most of you who read this blog know me but what I'm hoping is that maybe you know somebody who SHOULD read this blog that doesn't know me and point them in this direction.

And just to update you on the time between me going nuclear in the van and now... I recently saw my doctor and asked him if we could up the dosage on my anit-depressants. I am very happy to be able to tell you that last week was my PMS week and I actually felt like a normal person. Please keep me in your prayers so that I can continue to stay on top of my depression and keep control of my own life. Thank you.